| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2006|05:28 pm] |
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the circles under my eyes are seeping in deeper, progressively darker. reflective of my secret, growing its roots inside my body, building wells and walls and treasure chests in my much pained, heavy chest. my brain is muddied, the puddle with flies that even the most ignorant child refuses to touch with his red vinyl rain boot. i am the raind drop that trickles far beyond the yellow rain coat, i am the dawn that never relieves, the rock untouched by sun. i am this life, i am the consequences of my choices, i feel what i do, i live what i want, i am who i choose to be. but do i really choose? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2006|01:05 pm] |
i've never experienced such ambivalence before in my life. do i eat, or do i not eat? i've been taking hoodia for about a week now, i can definitely see results as i am less ravenous and my bones are starting to show in a manner they haven't before. i want to eat, i want to feed my self-worth and health, i don't want to shrivel and die, but at the same time, my faux self-worth derived from feeling skinny tells me not to eat in order to meet my dangerous goal. i'm almost in a state of indifference, food doesn't look appealing as much as i want it to look scrumptious so i'll force it in my mouth and digest some much needed nutrients. double messages bombard me. health, or vanity? i want desperately to be that girl that everybody envies for her skeletal, modelesque look. i want to be that girl i see every day that makes me think "how did she get so skinny? i would kill to look like her". i never knew kill meant myself. is it worth it in the end? simultaneously i want to be that girl that makes people think "god, she's so comfortable in her own body, happy as she is. i want to have self-esteem and self-confidence the way she harnesses them". doubt plagues me like fruit flies circulate a rotting watermelon.
i. don't. know. what. to. do.
but for now, i'll starve. it's what i've always wanted
isn't it? |
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